If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
wow
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.