if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn