if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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Air conditioning – not a fan
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?