If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*pronounces woah like Noah*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!