If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer