If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
stand with me against insufficient seating
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.