If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
idk flipping houses looks really hard
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING