If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Stop sending me this shit.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.