If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
How it started How it’s going
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button