DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.