If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace