@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

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@msdanifernandez

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

@sarousti

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

@vagina_cakes

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@robdelaney

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.