IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
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Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.