If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
RT if you know someone like this!!!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying