@subtweetopath

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

@Laser_Cat

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

@dril

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

@tweetarded1

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@TrophyCatas

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

@AbidaleW

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

@idiosity

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.