If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*