If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.