If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
LOL
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house