If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Okay, I’m still confused…
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
HERE’S MARKY
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”