If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
being a writer on Twitter:
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
mom gave me mine for free
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The 4 stages of a family vacation
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”