If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken