If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
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No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Honey I made you some hotdog water
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.