@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

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@kylekinane

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

@metickleu

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@permawedgie

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@AtticusFinch79

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.