@kylekinane There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
@lloydrang If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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@kylekinane 
@joejwest [office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
@metickleu Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
@Horse_ebooks Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
@permawedgie Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
@batsVsupes 
@AtticusFinch79 <gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
@Julian_Deane Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
@Hardywolf359 Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
