@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

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@Liam26x

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

@bonehugsnirony

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

@adamgreattweet

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

@pregnant_cat

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

@juliabailz

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

@_BAnderson30_

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

@Theropologist

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

@Lola_Areola

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

@squirrel74wkgn

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

@KevinFarzad

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you