If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
You Might Also Like
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
first you must answer his riddles
This raises questions
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Good morning.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.