If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My support group can outdrink your support group.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB