If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it