If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting