If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Running from your problems is cardio .
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.