If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”