if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus