if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Cool shirt 🙂
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.