If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
awkward
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.