If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Ain’t no way
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.