If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.