If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
#Caturday
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT