If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”