If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Um … Hot Wings please