If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Finished stitching this today 😇
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.