If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
what’s more important?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.