If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
You Might Also Like
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
me linking you to my twitter
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.