If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
You Might Also Like
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.