If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?