If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It鈥檚 been two weeks and I think I鈥檓 doing something wrong.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Ugh but profoundly
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
no such thing as a dumb question
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn鈥檛 coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
TwinzerMom: Where鈥檇 you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there鈥檚 powdered sugar in your beard
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it鈥檚 fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings