If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
when dads have a rap battle
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”