If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
This makes total sense…
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays