If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
You Might Also Like
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
guys i’ve cracked the code
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Good news
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.