If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
You Might Also Like
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.