Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.