@stevieboatleft

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

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@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

@schumoo

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

@DamonHunzeker

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

@dshack8

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

@Elizasoul80

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

@writerPT

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.