If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you