If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Easy enough.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty