If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.