@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

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@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@craiguito

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

@SocialOutcast82

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

@kevinthedad

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20