If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.