If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
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What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers