If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.