If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.