Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

Hello Twits.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced