Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters