If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes