Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week