If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”
Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.