If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
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My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*