@maxverygoodboy

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

You Might Also Like

@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

@AimeeHelene1

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

@BangsBotox

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

@Brentweets

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

@NicCageMatch

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

@Brianhopecomedy

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.